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Remember the last time you heard someone say, “What do you want from me? I’m not perfect!” Most of us have heard (and said) this at some point in our lives. These words seem to translate as, “I can’t be who or what you want me to be right now, so stop making me feel so bad about myself.” It’s in those moments that we are painfully aware of our own inadequacies and become defensive when we feel someone else shining a spotlight on them. Out of self-preservation (and usually sin), most of us turn the attention on the fact that we feel attacked instead of humbly recognizing our own limitations. But what if instead of defensively retorting, “What do you want from me?” you asked yourself, “What do I have to give?” Or instead of defensively saying, “Well, I just can’t give you what you want,” what about considering what you can give, and being willing to own where that might fall short of what that person might legitimately request or need from you. How different would your relationships be if you made a commitment to be as gracious as you can be within your own limitations, and then were willing to recognize when that might fall short of what the situation actually requires of you?

This concept hit me on a personal level when I saw my own attitude and actions played out in a friend of mine a few years. My friend was completely burned out and overwhelmed in a situation that was truly despairing and overwhelming. The more overwhelmed she became the shorter and angrier her responses were to anyone who wanted anything from her. Even quick questions seemed like demands to this woman who was trying to hold two jobs and care for her family under stressful conditions. Considering her life, who could possibly blame her for feeling overwhelmed or for being a little irritable, especially when people were demanding?

As I saw my friend treat her employee defensively and with disdain, I was reminded of seasons in my own life when I had responded to others in anger when I felt like they were asking more of me than I felt I was able to give. How could I possibly encourage her to be gracious when I knew her story and know how hard it is to be kind when we’re overwhelmed? Yet, I know how this story goes if unchecked, because the real problem isn’t that we’re not gracious to others, but that we’re not receiving God’s grace for ourselves. This woman wasn’t angry with her employee for asking things of her or for making her feel inadequate. She was angry at herself for feeling inadequate to handle all that was required of her in her many roles and responsibilities. She was giving anger instead of grace because she was at her limit and aware that her limit wasn’t good enough to make life work how it needed to work.

This awareness and feeling of inadequacy almost inevitably leads to anger, or self-contempt, which many of us turn toward others when they shine that spotlight on how painfully we fall short of their and our own expectations. But contempt doesn’t lead to grace and it doesn’t woo us to the Gospel. It just makes matters worse. When I sat my friend down and asked her why she was so angry at this person, she recognized that she was angrier at herself than at anyone else. She erroneously believed that if she got angry at herself, she could make herself be less inadequate. Once she realized this though, my friend was able to accept her own inadequacies and failures and stop beating herself up. She didn’t have to lash out at others for making her feel inadequate because she was owning her inadequacy and then making a decision to be as gracious as she could within her own limitations.

A significant shift happened after my friend stopped beating herself up and recognized that she could only be as gracious as she could: my friend was able to offer more patience and more grace to her employee. This is because she could own the fact that, while she wasn’t enough, she could offer what she had. As a result, she was offering them what she was willing to receive from God and give to herself. She didn’t do everything that others wanted her to do, and she still felt overwhelmed and irritable. In fact, she disappointed many people, fell painfully short of some of her company’s goals, and had to apologize when she snapped at people and wasn’t as gracious as she needed to be. It’s not that everything serendipitously fell into place just because she got her heart right and found grace. However, she recognized that she could be as gracious as she was capable of being, and then be humble instead of defensive when she fell short. She could apologize for disappointing people and for being ungracious when grace was what they needed because the goal wasn’t to defend, but to love.

We are called to give what we have, which means that we are called to be as gracious as we can be in any given situation. What would your life be like if you operated more out of finding the level at which you can be gracious and then be willing to apologize for where you fall short? For example, if you were able to recognize that you tend to get angry at others when you feel insecure, you could recognize that tendency and ask God to help you be gracious in your limitations instead of defensive or terse. But if you try your best and you still snap at someone when they respond differently than how you would like, you have a choice to make. Instead of feeling justified because you are focusing on their actions and perceived attack, or thinking that you need to save face and move on, you could just recognize that you didn’t need to be short just because you felt their frustration, then apologize and let your friend know that you want to be gracious but you’re feeling emotionally maxed out. Instead of saying defensively, “Well, I’m sorry but this is the best I can do,” you can say with humility, “I’m sorry. I want to be gracious but I’m just really angry [or overwhelmed] right now and I don’t want to take it out on you. Please forgive me.” This breaks the contempt and opens the door for you to be gracious whether others follow suit or not. It turns the focus from how others are making you feel to how you are choosing to act, which sets us up to experience the Gospel in a profound and personal way.