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Several years ago, I was on a business trip near Los Angeles. It was my first time driving on California’s famed highways, and I was enjoying the speed.  I had heard that the roads were normally crowded, but on this day I was virtually alone except for two trucks several yards ahead of me. While cruising along and listening to the radio, I looked up to see one of the trucks accidentally cut the other off in an attempt to switch lanes. What followed next was straight out of a bad action movie. In a fit of rage, the man who had been cut off sped up to pull in front of his offender. Once in position, he slammed on his breaks and came to a dead stop. This sent the other man swerving wildly to avoid a 90 mile per hour collision.  In the blink of an eye, what began as a simple mistake became a full scale war with potentially fatal consequences.  How did it get to this? What goes on in a man’s heart that would make him risk his life and the life of another over such a minor infraction?  What goes on inside a husband when he punches his wife in a fit of anger, or in a mother who lashes out and slaps her child’s face in utter disgust? What is at the root of anger?

Before we look at the root of anger, let me be clear that not all anger is bad. In fact some anger can actually be good; dare I say even godly.  In Psalm 4 King David writes, “In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.” Notice he did not say never get angry.  David wrote this Psalm as a fugitive on the run even though he was the rightful king of Israel. He was a man who had experienced injustice; a man who had good reason to be righteously angry. 

If we have truly been violated by another person, there is room for righteous anger. When a woman has been sexually abused, she has permission to be angry at her abuser and at the injustice of what happened to her. However, anger loses its righteousness when it becomes destructive to us or to others, and anger becomes destructive when it morphs into intimidation meant to ensure that we never experience vulnerability.  Take as an example a man who is fighting with his wife and hurls a dish across the room. Now, imagine if you could freeze time and ask this man why he did that. Chances are good that he would have no answer or would say something vague like, “I just couldn’t take it anymore.” In the heat of the moment, all this man knew was that he felt rage and justified in it. But a deeper look inside would actually reveal not just uncontrollable rage, but a deep fear ready to erupt with volcanic force. 

So, what are we afraid of? Most of us can remember a time, either as a child or an adult, when we were vulnerable with someone who deeply wounded us. It is a frightening experience to be attacked when we, as children, feel so powerless to prevent such an assault on our hearts and bodies. Naturally, we often respond to these types of wounds by making a vow never to be in that position again. It is an understandable vow for a child to make. But such vows turn destructive to ourselves and to others. When a man throws a dish across the room, it is about more than just releasing frustration.  It is a warning shot meant to intimidate. It says, “Don’t think that I’ll let you get close enough to hurt me. If you try to hurt me, I’ll make you pay!” This vow reinforces his belief that no one is safe and that he has to protect himself from someone hurting him. The vow then keeps him from experiencing the love that only comes through vulnerability. 

Another way anger becomes dangerous is when it is used as a means to make others pay for pain we feel we have experienced. I once had a client who struggled with fits of rage that often resulted in wild rants and sometimes physical altercations. Anger was not just a struggle for this person, it had become the air he breathed. As we began to dive into his story, it became clear that growing up for this man had been a living hell. The immense pain he felt was intense, constant, and as far back in his childhood as he could remember. He experienced horrific abuse and had absolutely no power to stop it. He was a victim in every sense of the word. But as an adult, he realized that he no longer has to remain quiet, or if he chose to be quiet, it could serve him as another form of revenge. So, whenever he would feel wounded or offended, he exacted revenge for both the current offense and those of his past. If he felt belittled, he would squash whoever dared to challenge him. If he felt someone was putting up an obstacle in his path, he would knock it down (sometimes literally). This rage-filled retaliation ensured that he never felt the powerlessness he experienced earlier in life on a daily basis. It allowed him to feel that he had extracted some measure of justice for himself. It ensured that he was not alone in his pain, that someone else was feeling it with him. 

But how do we begin to face our anger and identify its core? First, it is essential to become a student of your own heart. Look past the surface details of the situations that make you angry and focus on why they make you angry. You can start by asking yourself what else you are feeling when the anger begins to boil. Are you feeling anxious, disrespected, hurt, controlled, or belittled? Once you start understanding what buttons people are pushing (whether intentionally or not), you will have a chance to confront your rage before it spins out of control. Second, it is essential to look at your own story.  Ask yourself how your parents handled situations where they felt offended?  Did they act out in violence? More importantly, were they violent toward you? In my experience working with people who act out in rage, I have found at least one common denominator among them all: a history of abuse. Across the board they could each tell me stories, most of them hair-raising, about how they had witnessed or felt first hand their parents’ rage or the rage of someone else they were supposed to trust. The truth is that we often replay the abuse we experienced as children. 

Along with examining your heart and looking at your own story, there are resources that can begin to help you uncover the root of your anger. The Anger Workbook by Drs. Les Carter and Frank Minirth, and Dealing with Anger by Dr. Larry Crabb are both insightful resources that can help you begin the journey of looking below the surface.

Finally, invite God into your anger. When you do you’ll discover two truths. The first truth is that He has seen everything that has been done to you. When you feel that you have been offended, you can cry out like David to a God that hears you and hurts with you. The second truth is that you’ll find it is not your place to make someone else pay for what they have done to you.  In the book of Romans Paul reminds us that God said "It is mine to avenge; I will repay.”  Paul isn’t suggesting that we become doormats. When we have been offended, it is appropriate to seek restoration but then to trust God to handle the rest.